Oh, summer, how we love you! Blue skies, long days, fireflies, swimming, s’mores. And, of course, deliriously happy kids!

Well, mostly happy kids.

Um. Sort of happy kids.

Ok fine. Kinda bratty kids complaining that they’re soooo bored.

Meanwhile, adults can’t help but notice all the ways those damn kids COULD be spending their free time – like learning to do things that’d really make everyone’s lives much easier.

Sure, rock climbing is great. Canoeing is cool. Tennis is terrific. You know what else is terrific? When my kids do chores, are grateful, stay organized, and make contributions to the family.

These are the summer camps we really need:

Camp Holy Crap Please Just Learn How to Ride Your Bike Already

Camp activities: Bike riding. Wound dressing. Yelling. Occasional crying.

Camp motto: No one calls home.

Camp Rediscover the Joy of All the Things We’ve Already Given You

Camp activities: Wrapping and unwrapping your own stuff.

Camp motto: Surprise!

Camp Practice Something. Anything. Just Pick Something.

Camp activities: Practicing anything. Anything at all. Rock collecting, yo-yo, violin, sewing. Pick any one of the 400 things you’ve said you want to be able to do well, and freaking practice it.

Camp motto: We believe in you. Usually.

Camp Try Harder

Camp activities: Trying harder. Can’t carry all the things? Try harder. Can’t finish your homework? Try harder. Can’t find your shoes? Try harder.

Camp motto: Literally no one cares.

Camp Nope

Camp activities: You ask us for things. We say no. Repeat.

Camp motto: You can’t always get what you want.

Camp Welcome to Reality

Camp activities: Getting a grip on reality.

Camp motto: You’re average. Mostly, we’re all average.

Camp If You Don’t Take Care of Your Pets, They’ll Die

Camp activities: Take care of your pet, or watch it die.

Camp motto: This is how life actually works.

Camp Find Someone Who’ll Pay You to Do That Cuz I Won’t

Camp activities: Unload someone else’s dishwasher, see if they pay you. Fold someone else’s laundry, see if they pay you. Mow someone else’s lawn, see if they pay you.

Camp motto: We’re not stupid, kid.

Camp Babysitting as Birth Control (for Tweens + Teens)

Camp activities: Taking care of several babies for 336 non-stop hours.

Camp motto: You don’t want one.

Camp You Have to Carry Your Own Damn Stuff

Camp activities: Carrying your own damn stuff.

Camp motto: No, you can’t put it in my bag.