So, your kids want to get a family pet.

Ok, cool. It could work. It totally could! It could actually be really great — a wonderful opportunity for the little ones to learn all about responsibility, hard work, chores, and the cycle of life.

It’s also a wonderful opportunity for you to have yet another living creature in your house whose poop you’ll have to touch. I mean, let’s not delude ourselves: the kids will enthusiastically help for approximately 3.75 days before they ghost.

BUT, I digress.

There are so many kinds of pets you could choose! Big, small, furry, scaly, cuddly — even definitely not cuddly, if that’s what you’re into.  A pet for every family!

To help you decide which pet to get, let’s take a quick look at the pros and cons of the various options:


PROS: Saves space, lives in a bowl. Can be easily acquired at the county fair.

CONS: Frequent dying. Always with the dying. Endless toilet bowl memorials. You’ll need several back-up goldfish.



CONS: Snakes.


PROS: Provides compelling metaphor for life by running endlessly on a wheel.

CONS: Nocturnal, but caged. So, watches you while you sleep.


PROS: Potential income-earner as skating-boarding YouTube sensation.

CONS: Toxoplasmosis. Frequent hairball-related barfing. Is kinda pissed about not being an actual lion. Would definitely eat you if it could.


PROS: Fresh eggs.

CONS: Raccoons, and the inevitable chicken apocalypse.


PROS: More loyal and loving than your children will ever be.

CONS: Will eat its own poop, but not when you need it to.


PROS: Curls up into weaponized ball.

CONS: Curls up into weaponized ball.


PROS: You won’t have to clean anymore, because no one will come to your house ever again.

CONS: Living with giant, fur-covered, deadly spiders. On purpose.


PROS: Not a rat.

CONS: Just like a rat, except flatter.


PROS: Soft and cute like a cat.

CONS: Not actually a cat.


PROS: A pet built to ride!

CONS: Your money’s gone now. Bye, money.


PROS: Can possibly get you a great deal on car insurance.

CONS: Unlikely you’ll get the talking, money-saving kind.


PROS: Overall pretty chill (except for the snapping ones, don’t get that kind).

CONS: Already has a house, will never really need you.


PROS: A pet with the miraculous gift of flight! And, of course, a vocalized interest in crackers.

CONS: Can’t fly due to pet status. Probably hates crackers.

Good luck out there, future pet owners! May your cages be spotless, your goldfish lives long, and your poop-scooping bags plentiful.