Most “mom hacks” will cost you 20 dollars and be too complicated to implement in the first place.

Out of a list of 100 “genius tricks” you might find two that look useful, and pro tip: there’s a good chance your toddler is going to notice if you try to sneak veggies into his food.

If I had time to sew a specialty folio for individual crayons I wouldn’t need hacks, would I? And the name “mom hacks”  brings up the fact that it’s all on mom, all the time. Why can’t dads hack some shit?

Here are some no-sewing-necessary, free hacks guaranteed to make life easier for moms and dads.

1 | Make a plan for all the paperwork

Your kid will come home with a stack of papers everyday. You’re not sure what to do with them: either because this is your first baby and you don’t yet realize that each teacher-influenced scribble is just the first of a thousand, or you have a bigger kid who is attached to every scrap of paper. That’s not to mention the notices about meetings you’re never going attend.

To deal with this influx, grab a box from a 12 pack, cut the top off, and shove all the papers in there until it gets full, and then start another. Your plan is that you will go through it someday.

2 | Pee in peace

Two words for you: Screen. Time. Five minutes of “Daniel Tiger” isn’t going to ruin your kids. If you can’t stand the guilt, you can incorporate some exercise by tying an iPad to the back of your toddler. While she is spinning in circles trying to watch “Paw Patrol,” you can go have some peece and quiet.

3 | Clothing hack

Do your kids constantly leave their drawers open after getting dressed? Just dump all of the clothes into a giant box and let them dig through it. They learn how to dumpster dive, you sport fewer shin bruises, and they pick up fewer curse words.

4 | Become a timelord

Someday a well-meaning person will teach your kid to tell time. When this happens, tell him that time runs at varying speeds in different places. Set the clock ahead by half an hour. “Yes sweetie, it may seem like it’s only 8pm, but in our house it’s actually 8:30.”

5 | Reframe the issue

Kids won’t eat the meal you worked so hard to put on the table? Look on the bright side! You get to have seconds without the guilt. It’s all in the name of avoiding waste, after all. If only they would refuse to eat dessert.

6 | Kids are just hairless dogs

You know how sometimes your dogs won’t stop whining so you throw treats out in the yard? It works on kids, too. For a more traditional meal, put the food on a plate first. It’s just going to end up on the floor anyhow; might as well save a step.

7 | Sleep when your kids go to college

“Cry it out” is controversial, but I have a practical reason to avoid it. Once your baby starts sleeping through the night those dreaded sleep regressions come out of nowhere and leave you ready to crack. So don’t bother with the training methods, that way when the sleep regressions happen you won’t even notice, because you weren’t sleeping anyway.

8 | One simple step for a clean home

Deep clean the smallest room in your house, and then live there. Voila, you have a clean house.

If you need me I’ll be in my linen closet.