1 | My kid could not find her shoe. That’s why her shoes don’t match.

2 | My kid had to poop, an urge seemingly brought on by walking out our front door.

3 | Tucker the Cairn terrier peed on the floor and while I was getting a towel my son slipped and fell, got dog pee on his shorts, hit his head and started crying. He’s okay now, but that’s why we’re late, his shorts don’t match his shirt, and he has a bump on his forehead. It’s Tucker’s fault.

4 | My husband thought my daughter’s shirt was too wrinkled. Like anyone cares about wrinkles on kids, I know, but he pulled out the iron.

5 | One of the kids left a peanut butter handprint on my butt. I don’t even know who. I guess it doesn’t matter.

6 | Tucker the Cairn terrier ran away while he was supposed to be going potty outside and we had to drive the streets screaming his name while the two youngest kids cried for fear he would be eaten by coyotes. We found him. He will live to pee on our floor another day.

7 | We decided to show up late because we didn’t actually want to come but felt obligated.

8 | We all hate middle school band concerts (including the middle-schooler actually in the band) so we procrastinated.

9 | My kids were fighting over who ate the marshmallows out of the box of cereal, and who should consequently get the remnants.

10 | My kids were fighting about who lost the remote.

11 | My kids were fighting and it’s way to convoluted to explain.

12 | My kids were fighting. I don’t even understand why.

13 | Your kid is mean to my kid and we know we only got invited because the whole class had to be. Your kid’s gift is that we aren’t coming.

14 | One of my family members has diarrhea. I’m not allowed to say whom. It’s not me.

15 | I forgot to buy your kid a birthday gift and was too embarrassed to give her $20 in an envelope like we did the last time, so we just didn’t go to the party so you wouldn’t know we forgot to buy a gift.

16 | Going to Chuck E. Cheese violates my personal moral compass.

17 | I forgot to buy your kid a birthday gift and was too embarrassed to give him $20 like the last two times, but my kid was crying about missing the party, so I pretended we actually just forgot the present at home. I hope I remember to actually buy it so I don’t have to think of a new excuse when my kid doesn’t bring it to school like we said.

18 | We ate lunch at Mamacita’s before your afternoon get-together and 3 out of 4 of my kids had to poop after they ate. Not at the same time, of course, so it took very long.

19 | Your kid’s party is the fourth birthday party this weekend, and I just can’t deal with another one. Sorry. Here’s $20 in an envelope for him.

20 | My son keeps wearing his shoes without socks so they smell like death and his other shoes don’t fit because he is Bigfoot. He didn’t believe me when I said his big sister’s flip-flops would look great on him. Can we arrange another play date for our boys after I have time to throw his death shoes in the washing machine?

21 | I forgot about your child’s birthday party and was only reminded when one of the school moms checked in on Facebook when she got there. Here’s $20. I’m out of envelopes.