Don’t ask me exactly how I fell down this rabbit hole, but I did, and now I can’t seem to
claw my way out. I was at the hair salon the other day, stuck in the stylist’s chair for nearly three hours. And somehow I stumbled across the wide world of the placenta.  
I’ve heard of celebs cooking up their organ and eating it. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. My mind is blown over some of the things that people make out of their placenta.
Check these out:

The placenta teddy bear

 This could be cute, if you were Buffalo Bill from Hannibal Lector. An artist by the name of Alex Green created the Twin Teddy Kit to celebrate the bond between mother, infant, and placenta. The kit requires you to get super crafty with your precious placenta.  
You must cut it in half, cure it with sea salt and apply an emulsifying liquid to it before stuffing and stitching your skin-teddy. This placenta project gets a thousand no’s from me. This is not crafty nor cute. This is terrifying and gross. Do not do this. Your baby will hate you and probably fear you.

Placenta art 

If placenta teddies aren’t up your alley, you could always try and pay homage to your life-sustaining organ by using it to decorate your home. For a price, you can send your placenta to an artist who will use it to basically sponge paint a picture for you.  
Here’s the kicker: no paint is used. Just your own body’s blood. Sure, plenty of people choose to paint in blood, but most of them currently reside in a psychiatric ward of sorts.
Listen, you don’t need to memorialize your placenta in remembrance of pregnancy and birth. You have a BABY for crying out loud! Let the baby be the keepsake.

Placenta jewelry

For the fashion savvy placenta lovers out there, an abundance of jewelry makers will be more than happy to create a one-of-a-kind necklace for you to wear. Just send your freeze-dried placenta to one of these unique artists, and they will create something that will surely be a conversation starter (or ender) at the next cocktail party you attend.
Check out this Australian designer here. I am all about post baby jewelry, but I was thinking more along the lines of diamonds or pearls – not freeze dried tissue samples.

Placenta…it’s what’s for dinner!

Snacking on your afterbirth is said to increase energy, level out hormones, and increase your breast milk supply. Although some swear by it’s benefits, there is no actual proof that eating human tissue will do anything other than gross out anyone who hears of your culinary experience.  
This clearly is not my personal food preference, but if munching on your own body sounds good to you, here are some ways that you can enjoy the fruits of your labor, (pun intended).
You can have your placenta made into pills. To be honest, this seems like the most logical and painless way to go. If you’re more adventurous, you can cook that sucker up any way you would handle meat from your local butcher. You can actually saute a placenta. You can also put it in a smoothie (I wish you all could see the look on my face right now), or – the nastiest of the bunch – eat it raw.  
Go ahead. Fight the rise of bile. I’m going to need a minute as well.

Lotus birth

This is a pretty name for the gross practice of leaving the umbilical cord attached to both the baby and the placenta until the cord falls off naturally.  
Ummmm. Ewww.
Carrying around a floppy little newborn and his afterbirth can be quite cumbersome, so now you can buy a pouch to stuff the placenta in. It’s basically a placenta purse.  
I think this may be the one time that I will ever try to convince another woman that she does NOT need to buy a new accessory. Here goes: You don’t need a placenta purse!
Now that I’ve brought you all up to speed on the many uses of afterbirth, we can draw a few very important conclusions:
  • If you stuff, sew, or paint with parts of your body, you most likely belong in a ward of sorts.
  • Pushing presents are cool, when they are not made from your own body parts.
  • If you need more energy, take supplements, drink coffee, catch a nap. Please don’t eat yourself!
  • Lastly, don’t drag your placenta out to the grocery store or around the block for a stroll. All it’ll take is for one neighbor to ask you what’s in that pretty satchel, and you will have zero friends.
Moms need friends. Don’t shoot yourself in the placenta!