The twin experience is unlike any other. Being a mom to twins I can tell you first hand that there is nothing cuter, more rewarding and interesting than watching your little genetic mutations evolve into people.

Yep. Nothing better.

And nothing harder.

I’m probably not supposed to say that or admit that, but it really is bloody hard. I am sure there will be readers judging, considering me ungrateful to even think of complaining about my darling blessings. If that is you, please know that I am rolling my eyes right now. Of course, I am thankful for my healthy girls.  I’m not stupid and I know that things could have taken a million different turns for the worse carrying and birthing identical twins. I pride myself on revealing the ugly truths in life, though, so I must tell you that aside from being two of life’s greatest treasures, the twins are also twenty-pound pains in the ass.

And that is the honest truth.

When you give birth to twin you simultaneously give birth to a long ass list of things that suck like they have never sucked before. This is going to sound as if I am complaining, and that is because I am. I have been carting these kids around like their personal sherpa for three years, my arms hurt and my back is royally messed up, so just let me rant.

Here are some of the things that you can no longer easily do once you have twins:

Run into the store

No more throwing a baby on your hip and running in the Rite Aid to grab Tampons. Every trip out the door is equal to a mission to Mars. For years you will have to drag your four hundred pound stroller out of the trunk as well as your squirming bundles of angry just to purchase sanitary products. The way I deal with this is Target. If I have to torture myself like this, I might as well get some cute shoes and an armful of clearance items out of it. Will I forget the tampons? Probably.

Getting into the car

You now run an assembly line of humans. I wonder if my neighbors sit at their window every morning around 8:30 and just laugh at me making forty trips back and forth to the car, sweat dripping down my face, toddlers wiggling and screaming, backpacks dragging on the ground, crazed mom screeching, “GET IN THE CAR!” All of this just to drop the big kids off at school thirty seconds away. At least you get your exercise, right?  Yes, I am grabbing at straws on this one. This part of the day blows. Period.

Walk… anywhere

Go ahead and try to walk into any building holding two reluctant hands. You will be dragging them within ten seconds. Your arms will be burning, people will be staring and the twins will be limp, screaming noodles destroying your will to live. This, here, is why we twin moms suffer through the heavy, beastly strollers. This is way worse.

Sleep  

You will never sleep again. Someone always needs something and they never need it at the same time. Invest in coffee. Ask for boxes of it at your baby shower. My twins currently crawl into bed with me every single night. One kicks me in the face and the other pummels me in the groin. Both cry if I so much as move a finger. Most nights I end up sleeping at the foot of the bed, like the dog.

Stay healthy 

There is no way to combat germs between twins. They share everything, including the flu. Just plan on wiping snot for exactly half of your life.

Sit 

Don’t even try it anymore. Just stand in the center of your home from six a.m. to 9 p.m. and wait for the multiples to interchangeably request and demand things from you. They will never approach you at the same time so just put this possibility outside of your brain.. forever. You are officially their snack b*tch.

Be private

You are now officially an open book to all strangers and their queries. People find multiples incredibly fascinating and will ask you just about anything and everything. You could be standing in the drugstore browsing the feminine hygiene products and just when you think you have achieved obscurity it happens. Some loud, curious stranger approaches, coos and gushes over with multiples… and asks if they were vaginal babies! True story, this happened to me, only I was at the zoo.

So yes, twins are a blast. They are an achievement and a gift. You will be in awe of them everyday. That said, you will also find yourself cowering in corners, standing in the kitchen throwing fruit snacks at them and praying for three straight hours of sleep.