There’s so much to love about All Hallow’s Eve. It’s that one special time of year when lawns are strewn with faux femurs, we carve faces into produce, and women everywhere may unselfconsciously stroll about clad as sexy Freddy Kruegers.
For parents, it can be a particularly magical experience, as we drape our children in highly flammable garments, encourage them to demand candy from strangers, and then instruct them to throw eggs at the homes of individuals who do not comply.
But once all the fun is over, and we herd our little ghosts and goblins home, we’re left with a conundrum: what to do with the massive bucket of sugary delights our kiddos have lugged in?
Do we sit idly by and smile as they put themselves into an insulin-induced coma? Do we put the whole mess in the freezer and forget about it until January, when we realize that it’s frozen into what looks like a small calf’s brain composed of Butterfingers and popcorn balls?
Never you fear! Here’s a collection of possible solutions ranging from what you’d secretly like to do to with that sugar-crack stash to what you actually and realistically could do.
What you’d secretly like to do:
Build a small effigy out of Hot Tamales and Starburst. Set it ablaze à la Burning Man, then instruct your children to stare at the melting figure until they feel a spiritual awakening. Or until the fumes make their eyes tear.
Drown your political sorrows with it.
Save it for election night then try to stave off end-of-times panic by pouring M&Ms directly into your own face through a small funnel.
Jam your mouth with so many Tootsie Rolls you’re physically unable to pry your teeth apart to shout at Wolf Blitzer.
Marvel at how much Trump’s fingers remind you of fun-size Twix.
You get the idea.
Use it to make a point.
Use the existence of candy corn and circus peanuts to explain to your children the concept of an “abomination,” and how man sometimes uses his power for evil.
Freak your kids out.
Bury the candy in the backyard under a full moon.
Tell the children in a dramatic whisper that this is how you appease the spirit of Santa, and that he won’t come at Christmas without his yearly offering of buried Kit Kats and Dum Dums.
Roll your eyes back in your head and slowly sing “Jingle Bells” in a monotone.
Get crafty and/or YouTube famous.
Check out some wondrously impractical candy crafting ideas on Pinterest. Marvel at the zany Snickers cupcakes and adorable Twizzler wreaths.
Then, come up with your own whimsical plan to bake everything into a dense, 19 pound brick. Let your eldest throw it off the roof, while the youngest uses your phone to make a slo-mo video of it shattering. Upload to YouTube, sit back and wait for fame.
What you actually should do:
Trade it for money at the dentist’s office.
Trade it in for money and free dental hygiene products at a participating dental office.
After, when your child walks home clutching $5 and a tiny tube of Crest, be sure to put the money aside for her future therapy, so as an adult she can process why her parents were such such cold-blooded bastards.
Remember – while she may wail in grief during psychoanalysis, she’ll be opening a flawless, filling-free mouth to do so!
Give your kids a 48-hour candy free-for-all, and then shut it down.
Just get it over with.
Line the walls of your living room with mattresses. Lock all expensive electronics and sharp objects in the closet. Hand over the bucket and allow them 48 hours to consume as much glucose as they’re able.
After, when your house looks like a scene from “Trainspotting,” quietly scrape any remaining Skittles from the walls and into the trash.
Slowly dole it out.
Dole out two pieces of candy a day, every day, until the entire stash is gone. This teaches moderation and self-control.
And when you shakily hand your son his final treat – a box of Milk Duds so stale it looks more like a small small collection of albino rat eyes – he can then ease you into your wheelchair, drape your shawl over your frail shoulders, and wheel you down the hall for BINGO night at the senior center.
Send it to the troops.
Let your kid pick five of their favorite pieces of candy from the bag, then take the rest and give it to a participating program like Operation Gratitude, which will send it out in care packages to veterans, first responders, and our troops stationed abroad.
This is a cool program and a great way to give your kid a lesson in charitable giving – which will make them feel much warmer inside than the warmth that comes from kneeling over the toilet at one in the morning, barfing up 14 miniature Milky Way bars.
What you likely will do:
The morning after trick or treating, sadly explain that a candy monster came in the night and chomped through everything while guzzling Heineken and watching “Last Week Tonight With John Oliver.” Inform them that this monster is called “Daddy.”
And yes, they may go confront him, even though it is only 6:03 A.M.