We have all said it: Man, I wish someone delivered…[insert any item you’re too flipping lazy to go out and get].
I’m not talking about ordering some stuff online and getting a delivery in a day or two. I’m talking about: I must have it this instant or I might die.
Could someone please, finally, for the love of American laziness (that’s an epidemic, look it up) create a delivery business that distributes the items listed below – right to my door.
Great. Thanks. I’ll be waiting in my jammies.
1 | Diapers and all baby products. I just don’t understand it. Why is this not already a thing? My baby pooped. I’m out of diapers. I need one RIGHT NOW. Like Uber, but for diapers.
2 | Ice cream. Okay, so we do have delivery for ice cream. The truck version. I’m talking about ice cream, on demand.
3 | All types of sweets, really. Brownies, chocolate bars, cookies, cake, crumpets, and at a bare minimum — a large selection of candy. I don’t care if you use fake sugar, real sugar, or sweeten the stuff with applesauce; I need it to come to my house, without me getting out of my yoga pants.
4 | Movie theatre popcorn. Sorry Orville Redenbacher! I need me some popcorn fresh from one of those machines…it just tastes better. I’m not a detective; I don’t need to solve the mystery.
5 | Tampons or Pads. This one is super absorbent- er, I mean important. I can’t count how many times I’ve run out of tampons. The last thing I want to do when I’ve got my period is squeeze my bloated belly into actual clothes to go buy feminine hygiene products. On a side note, #3 should always be free with purchase of #5.
6 | Makeup. Yes please! I don’t want to have to apply makeup in order to go to the store and buy it. Bring it to me.
7 | Cigarettes. Preferably delivered with pizza. I don’t even smoke anymore and I still understand the urgency of needing a damn cig when you’re all out.
8 | Do I really need to list beer, liquor, and wine? This should have happened a LONG time ago, America. Not to mention it would put a stop to the beer runs. Much safer for the streets! Win. Win.
9| Come on Starbucks! You already have a drive thru. Bring me that caramel macchiato! Better yet, bring it at three in the morning, when baby is teething. My tip might have a little slobber on it, but money is money, right?
10 | Pain reliever and other medications. I’m not talking about hard drugs here. Just something to take the edge off. That empty bottle of Advil just made me sad. I think a real tear escaped because I’d rather suffer through a headache than get up and put on pants and leave the house.
11 | Fast food. We all know it’s bad for us. We’ve always known. But it is still so good. And don’t we owe it to the ozone to cut down on those fumes? Instead of carpooling to work, my fast food can carpool to my house. That’s a great idea!
Listen, if you want to take these ideas and run, let me know. I’m ready to invest.