So, your kids want to get a family pet.
Ok, cool. It could work. It totally could! It could actually be really great — a wonderful opportunity for the little ones to learn all about responsibility, hard work, chores, and the cycle of life.
It’s also a wonderful opportunity for you to have yet another living creature in your house whose poop you’ll have to touch. I mean, let’s not delude ourselves: the kids will enthusiastically help for approximately 3.75 days before they ghost.
BUT, I digress.
There are so many kinds of pets you could choose! Big, small, furry, scaly, cuddly — even definitely not cuddly, if that’s what you’re into. A pet for every family!
To help you decide which pet to get, let’s take a quick look at the pros and cons of the various options:
PROS: Saves space, lives in a bowl. Can be easily acquired at the county fair.
CONS: Frequent dying. Always with the dying. Endless toilet bowl memorials. You’ll need several back-up goldfish.
PROS: Provides compelling metaphor for life by running endlessly on a wheel.
CONS: Nocturnal, but caged. So, watches you while you sleep.
PROS: Potential income-earner as skateboarding YouTube sensation.
CONS: Toxoplasmosis. Frequent hairball-related barfing. Is kinda pissed about not being an actual lion. Would definitely eat you if it could.
PROS: Fresh eggs.
CONS: Raccoons, and the inevitable chicken apocalypse.
PROS: More loyal and loving than your children will ever be.
CONS: Will eat its own poop, but not when you need it to.
PROS: Curls up into weaponized ball.
CONS: Curls up into weaponized ball.
PROS: You won’t have to clean anymore, because no one will come to your house ever again.
CONS: Living with giant, fur-covered, deadly spiders. On purpose.
PROS: Not a rat.
CONS: Just like a rat, except flatter.
PROS: Soft and cute like a cat.
CONS: Not actually a cat.
PROS: A pet built to ride!
CONS: Your money’s gone now. Bye, money.
PROS: Can possibly get you a great deal on car insurance.
CONS: Unlikely you’ll get the talking, money-saving kind.
PROS: Overall pretty chill (except for the snapping ones, don’t get that kind).
CONS: Already has a house, will never really need you.
PROS: A pet with the miraculous gift of flight! And, of course, a vocalized interest in crackers.
CONS: Can’t fly due to pet status. Probably hates crackers.
Good luck out there, future pet owners! May your cages be spotless, your goldfish lives long, and your poop-scooping bags plentiful.