“Always remember where you put your kid. Don’t let your kid drive until their feet canreach the pedals. Use the right size diapers… for yourself. And, when in doubt, makefunny faces.”

Amy Poehler

“I really love my kids for about six minutes a day.”

Michael Ian Black

“Ah, babies! They’re more than just adorable little creatures on whom you can blame your farts.” 

Tina Fey

“You have two babies! Your sperm worked twice!”

Chris Rock

“Becoming a mom to me means you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”

Nia Vardalos

“You never know when you’re gonna get crapped on or when you’re gonna get a big smile or when that smile immediately turns into hysterics. It might be like living with adrug addict.”

Blake Lively

“When you’re having dinner with your kids and husband and someone says something funny or you’re dying laughing because your three-year-old make a fart joke, it doesn’t matter what else is going on. That’s real happiness.”

Gwyneth Paltrow

“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.”

Jon Stewart

“Anything else that woke you up every 45 minutes, you’d kill it. But when it’s a baby, it’s the best thing that ever happened to you.”

Ryan Reynolds

“Parenthood is f***ing hard. I thought it would be easy. Everyone f***ing does it, how hard can it be? Ohhhh… it’s hard, but it’s phenomenal.”

Adele

“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”

Michelle Pfeiffer

“It’s amazing how you can be so happy and then so exhausted in the same moment. It’s like cocaine without the dark alleys of shame.”

Ryan Reynolds

“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”

Julia Roberts

“Having Children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything is broken,and there’s a lot of throwing up.”

Ray Romano

“There should be a children’s song: ‘If you’re happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep.’”

Jim Gaffigan

“My  kids don’t give a s*** if I’m in the Foo Fighters. They’re like ‘Daddy, I need a smoothie. Now.’ I’m like, ‘Okaaaaaaay.’”

Dave Grohl

“There’s a lot of peeing.”

Amy Poehler

“Every night before I get my one hour of sleep, I have the same thought: ‘Well, that’s a wrap on another day of acting like I know what I’m doing.’ I wish I were exaggerating, but I’m not. Most of the time, I feel entirely unqualified to be a parent. I call these times being awake.”

Jim Gaffigan

 

“You’re just like a human napkin for kids, like, they just wipe their face on you and stuff.”

Tina Fey

“I know how to do anything; I’m a mom.”

Roseanne Barr