Navigating the world as a newborn is a tough job, especially when the rest of the world is not exactly operating at the same frequency. But with baby status also comes plenty of special privileges.
We should all be so lucky to enjoy these things in life all over again:
1. A newborn’s only job is to gain weight.
At what other point in life do people applaud when you double your weight? In the beginning, a parent’s world is entirely dedicated to plumping up a scrawny newborn. (Never mind the human milk machine’s desire to…oh, I don’t know…leave the house once in a while?)
Most newborns will eat every two to four hours, and mothers report shell-shock over evening cluster feedings that go on, and on, and on. While most babies drop some weight in the first few days, their primary function is to recoup the weight within two weeks, and double their birth weight in about five months.
2. Newborns are free to poop at the dinner table.
Yes, it’s gross when your little one blasts through a diaper while eating, or sleeping, or sitting. But don’t tell me a nursing baby taking a quick break to grunt one out doesn’t look immensely satisfying.
Breastfed babies, especially, are prone to frequent poops, as colostrum — which lingers for about six weeks — contains a natural laxative. After that, they poop a lot less as their systems efficiently process the breast milk.
3. Newborns have a guaranteed ticket to a buzzed-like state.
Among the many unsung virtues of breastfeeding: it has the ability to drop a baby from the edge of insanity to milk-drunkenness to sweet, sweet unconsciousness in a matter of minutes.
Even more amazing? The composition of breast milk changes throughout the day, with higher concentrations of sleep-inducing nucleotides at night. If only over-the-counter meds could deliver the same knock-out performance on adults.
4. Newborns look funny and everyone thinks it’s cute.
Miss America, they are not, but somehow babies and their weirdo features elicit “ooohs” and “awwws” from all who lay eyes on them.
Sticky-out ears. Adorable. Crossed eyes? Nothing better. Red little bumps of acne sprinkled across their foreheads and cheeks? Perfectly sweet.
5. It’s socially acceptable for newborns to cry whenever.
Dealing with a newborn usually involves at least one daily crying session…for parents. But babies? They get to screech their discontent at any given moment.
In the first few weeks, it seems like if babies aren’t sleeping or eating, they’re fussing about one offense or another. Less-than-ideal temperature wipes? Too-slow milk delivery system? Car seat buckles? It’s all a guessing game.
6. Newborns get away with the most ridiculous fashion statements.
My tiny little lady rocks everything she wears: a giraffe print jumpsuit, pink flowered footie pajamas, a dress that makes her look like a watermelon.
The only glitch is that, at the newborn stage, most people won’t get to see this fabulously curated wardrobe because your baby will be hidden by a sling, a swing chair, a car seat, or end up only wearing a diaper because they’ve pooped explosively in their ironic onesie. By the time it’s washed and ready to go again, they’ve outgrown it.
These may be the days of bonding, bliss, and blowouts, but it’s perfectly okay to admit that a bit of baby envy has snuck in there as well. Your newborn will forgive you.