Parenting is hard. Parenting objectively is even harder.
I know biology has something to do with the reason we think our kids are so wonderful, but let’s be real…we can’t all be birthing a prom queen and a quarterback. Someone is changing the diaper of: Most Likely to Get Divorced 3 Times.
So, let’s take off the rose-colored glasses and see our kids for who they really are.
Since my child was very young, I could see pieces of his personality coming through as he jammed on the bongos in the baby music class: Most Likely to Start a Drum Circle? Or when he guzzles his milk and enthusiastically bangs it down: Most Likely to Do a Keg Stand?
As he enters preschool this year I began to think about the different types of kids he will meet in school, and what their senior superlatives might be if preschool had a yearbook:
That kid who actually isn’t even in your school because he’s too smart to hang out with your kid. This kid is in the special academic school that offers 3 hours of daily math for 3-year-olds.
Most Likely to be a Feminist
That kid who is always taking her clothes off.
Most Likely to Attend Burning Man
That kid whose parents dressed him in a “Medical Marijuana Worked for Me” shirt and who refuses to remove the 4 lanyard bracelets she made in camp.
Most Likely to Run for Political Office
That kid who wears a bow tie and hands the teacher an apple, but during art time he is caught making fun of your kid’s picture and lying about it when confronted by the teacher.
Most Likely to Invent Something or Most Likely to Never Leave His Parent’s Basement
That kid who’s always playing MineCraft. So, I guess that’s pretty much all the kids.
Most Likely To Be The Villain On The Bachelor
That kid who kicks your kids under the table, but acts like a perfect angel when the teacher comes over.
Most Likely To Get Rich Working for a Hedge Fund
That kid who convinces kids to trade their snack everyday so he can have a better snack than the one his mom packed.
Most Likely To Go To College Early, and Far Away
That kid whose mom lingers everyday at drop-off, and the teachers have to eventually shove her out of the classroom.
You’ll meet all types of kids during your child’s years in school. The cast of characters will be diverse and – who knows – the mean kid in preschool may grow up to be a human rights activist.
One thing you can be sure of is that you’ll most definitely meet, “a brain, an athlete, a basket case, a princess, and a criminal.”