My name is Kristin.

I am a mom… and a big fat liar.

It’s true.

I lie to my husband, my kids and myself all day long. Perhaps I should feel badly about lying to those I love so dearly, but the truth is, I don’t feel badly at all.  To be frank these white lies are getting me through most days.  Here are some of the lies that I catch myself in on a daily basis:

I’ll be there in two minutes…

No, I won’t.  I might not even be there in ten minutes.  There are certain things that moms come running for, racing down the halls straight to the source of high- pitched screaming, sobbing and possibly bleeding, and there are certain things that give us pause.  If I tell you I’ll be there in two minutes, that means I’ve already mentally assessed your needs and deemed them a Code NO.  Code NO stands for any of the following:

No, I do not want to play Barbies, My Little Ponies or Legos right this second.

No, I don’t care what you and your sisters are arguing over.  I cannot imagine it’s life threatening.

No, I don’t want to fix your tenth snack of the hour.  Why don’t you finish your last snack?  It’s still on the floor where you threw it.

No, I don’t have or clue or a care as to where you put your Monster High Doll that’s missing three-quarters of its limbs.  If we’re lucky, that creature has found its way to the trash or the dog’s intestinal track.

These are not emergency situations.  They are not even close and therefore- I will be there in two (or twenty) minutes.

 

I don’t have a favorite child…

Yes, I do, and I bet you moms do too.  There are times when one of the girls is my favorite because she’s the only one who hasn’t made me cry by lunchtime.  She can quickly be replaced by dinnertime, though depending on who naps and who eats their meal without complaining. Another favorite child emerges at bedtime.  Whoever stays in their beds for the evening is now the champion of my heart.  The darling of the day is decided on a rotating basis, obviously, and I’m ok with that.  Everyone gets a turn.  No need to fight for my affection, kids. Each one of your stars will rise and then fall again, darlings.

 

I’m just going to make one quick trip to Target and then I’ll be back…

Nope.  I won’t be back for hours actually.  Sorry hubs, the kids are all yours and we are now broke.  Good news, though!  After a Target run I’m almost guaranteed to come home wired on Starbucks and super happy about my clearance hand towels and discount wall art.  This good mood just might carry over to the evening.  You’re probably going to get lucky tonight.  Aren’t you glad you chose not to call me out on my little Target lie now?

 

Everyone to bed early tonight…

Bwhahahahahahahaha.

I have a better chance of finding a unicorn standing in my living room.  No one ever goes down early when you need rest the most.  If you have the flu, deadlines to meet, or are seriously hungover, no one will turn in early. It’s Murphy’s Law.

 

Go ask daddy, he will know…

No, he won’t.  I am lying to you so that you run downstairs, ask him where you put your random toy, wait for him to stare blankly at you, only to run back upstairs to ask me the same question. My lie just bought me three extra minutes of silence and serenity.  This right here was a lie worth telling.

 

Tomorrow will be better…

Again, lies we tell ourselves so that we can muster up the willpower to continue this song and dance until the day we die!  There is a fighting chance that parts of tomorrow will surpass today, but in general tomorrow is going to include more whining, more fighting, more pee on the floor and certainly more dishes and laundry.  Tomorrow is coming, and it will probably be a zinger. Don’t kid yourselves.

 

It’s just a stage…

Maybe. Hopefully. But sometimes not.  Your three year old, raging madman may have morphed into a dreaded beast known as the Three-nager.  They could also very well just be a jerk.  I can’t tell you this though, because how would you ever be able to continue fighting the good parenting fight knowing that your human was really a jerk?  That would be mean of me, so I will just tell you it’s a phase and let you hope for the best.

Next time you catch yourself lying to your husband, children, friends, and self, remember this…

The truth hurts and parenting hurts.

So throw out a little survival lie and carry-on, strong solider.  I won’t snitch on you.