When asking for parenting advice, it’s not uncommon to be hit with a plethora of “solutions” that you’ve already tried and that completely and totally don’t work. When you mention sleep troubles, for example, members of your online mom’s group offer up novel ideas like “a warm bath” and “dim lights” as if you’ve been blasting AC/DC and jumping on a trampoline with your baby in an effort to get him to sleep.
The experienced parents out there, though – the ones whose kids are always delightfully disheveled and just a few minutes late – they know the real secret to success: parenting through Murphy’s Law.
The next time your kiddo has an issue that can’t be solved with conventional methods, consider using one of the time-tested solutions below. According to the experienced parents of the world, these work 100 percent of the time for 100 percent of kids.
Problem: Baby is constipated
Seeing baby scrunch up her little face and cry in frustration is hard on any parent. If baby hasn’t gone in a few days, you’re probably desperate to find a solution.
Solution: Instead of sneaking her some cranberry juice or bicycling her legs for hours on end, simply put her in her nicest outfit and leave the house without the diaper bag. Make sure that there aren’t any backup diapers or wipes in the car and that you’re going somewhere really important.
If the case of constipation is truly stubborn, consider taking her into your office for the afternoon after assuring your boss that she won’t be any trouble at all.
Problem: Baby won’t take a nap
You’ve tried swaddling, shushing, rocking, and swaying, and baby’s still not taking a nap.
Solution: Simply pretend that you’ve given up on the nap, and take a car ride to anyplace within a five minute radius where you’ll have to remove baby from his car seat upon arrival. Many parents find that going to pick up their older child from preschool puts baby to sleep every time.
Problem: Baby has a temp and looks sicker than ever before
You’re starting to get worried about baby. You’re worried if she doesn’t get better in a hurry, other problems could develop.
Solution: Call the pediatrician in a panic, describe your baby’s situation as “an emergency,” and beg the receptionist to squeeze you in for the last appointment of the day. As soon as you walk through the door of the pediatrician’s office, you’ll see the color return to baby’s cheeks and a smile return to her lips. As the intake nurse reads a totally normal 98.6 from the thermometer, you’ll feel nothing but relief that she’s all better.
Alternatively, if it’s the weekend, all you need to do to improve your kiddo’s health is walk into urgent care and pay the $100 co-pay. Upon signing the receipt, your child will suddenly become perky, giggly, and healthy as can be.
Problem: Baby is colicky
He fusses non-stop. You’ll do anything to stop it.
Solution: Simply invite your mother-in-law over. Hand baby to her after describing the night before as “long and exhausting” and labeling your little one as “high-needs,” “spirited,” or “the most difficult baby in the history of the world.” Watch baby fall asleep in your mother-in-law’s arms as soon as you hand him over. Note his contented sigh when she asks him in her ga-ga voice why mommy thinks this is “sooooo hard.”
Problem: You can’t convince your partner to have another
Family planning is a challenge. You’ve always wanted just two, but now that your youngest is outgrowing their crib, you begin to wonder if there’s room for just one more. You go back and forth with your partner for months and finally concede to his desire to remain forever a family of four.
Solution: Even though you’re initially disappointed, look for the positives and rake in some cash by selling every last baby item in your home. Smile as you pass right by the diaper aisle at the grocery store, and take great joy in tossing all your stretched out maternity clothes and nursing bras. Take the money you earned selling your baby items, plus the money you’re saving by no longer buying diapers, and pay cash for a brand new sedan that can’t possibly fit three car seats.
Once your transformation into a happy, settled parent of two is complete, fate will swing your way. You’ll soon be staring down at a positive pregnancy test with that familiar mix of we’re-having-a-baby feelings.
Good luck out there, parents! And don’t forget – if it can go wrong, it will!