As new parents, it’s easy to be overwhelmed by the constant, never ending demands your baby makes. The adjustment to being on call 24/7 can be frightening and frustrating. Gone are the days when you could make a sandwich, shower, or use the bathroom without the accompaniment of frantic wailing.
Every time you get the baby to sleep and settle down to finally brush your teeth or drink a cup of coffee, she starts screaming again. Strategically plan a conference call when you’re sure the baby will be sleeping and you’ve guaranteed a nap strike.
As difficult as the feeling of being constantly needed, it’s important to remember that babies have a lot going on in their little worlds, and they have very real reasons for requiring your immediate assistance.
Here’s a rundown of the biggest reasons why your baby is pissed today:
1 | She doesn’t know she has hands
These two large blobs keep smashing into her face. They come out of nowhere with no warning, and there’s nothing she can do to stop them. Turn to the right and one comes in from the left. Close her eyes, open her eyes, feint to the right…nothing stops these suckers. What are they, and why are they so merciless? Won’t someone please, please stop their reign of terror?
2 | She can’t hold up her own head
Try as she might, ten seconds is about the maximum amount of time she can possibly be expected to support the immense weight of her head on such a little neck. There’s so much to see across the room, and she so badly wants to cooperate with tummy time.
She’s on board with the program, but there’s really no way she can be expected to hold up this gargantuan noggin. If you were going to make these kinds of demands, she really would’ve liked to be consulted first. Maybe then she could have diverted some of the energy she spent in utero growing razor sharp talons and concentrated on upper body strength instead.
3 | You offer her the wrong boob
Sure she just nursed for 45 minutes on the left breast, and you thought she’d have more success continuing on the right breast, but did you ever stop to consider how this radical shift in perspective would impact her day? The left breast just feels right today. Call her crazy, but left breast is really the only way to go, and she really shouldn’t have to explain herself.
4 | She’s starving
It may seem like you just fed her 10 minutes ago (because you did), but her stomach is the size of a ping-pong ball, for Pete’s sake. How can she be expected to space out feedings simply because you had intended to do something other than sit on the couch trapped under a Boppy pillow all day. Just marathon some Real Housewives and commit to the fact that she is hangry.
5 | She has no object permanence
Leave to use the bathroom or let out the dog and, for all intents and purposes, you are gone forever. She is terrified and alone in a cruel world. It doesn’t matter that you have baby poop all over your yoga pants. Bring her along for the ride, or you will hear about it.
6 | The toddler
He’s back again, and he’s obsessed with punching her in the fontanelle. She fully expects him to grab the chair from his little Ikea Lätt dining set and go WWF on her next time. Can’t you enroll him in a daycare so she can nap peacefully a few mornings a week?
7 | The cat
Who is this furry sociopath, and why is he intent on batting away all her best toys, stealing all the warmest blankets, and leaving little furry tumbleweeds all over her crib? Don’t even get her started on the time he coughed up a fur ball right next to her during tummy time.
8 | Gas
The pain and the indignity are constant, and it really doesn’t improve things when you start bicycling her legs around while the toddler and the cat watch. Let’s just agree you’ll cut out cruciferous vegetables and give her system some time to recover.
8 | Mittens
It takes a good five minutes for you to even get them on. Now there are padded blobs smashing into her face, and although she appreciates your efforts to keep her warm, nobody really wants to chew on micro suede.
9 | Bath time
First you totally undress her, exposing her thigh rolls to the harsh elements. Then you submerge her and wash away all the milk and drool she so carefully deposited into her neck rolls. Just when she’s resigned herself to this new horror, you pull her back out and it is 10 times colder now. No, a little squeaky octopus is not going to turn things around.
10 | Baby food
Would you care to enjoy some lumpy rice cereal mixed with lukewarm breast milk? Enough said.